May, 10 2020. Grateful. Grateful for the past. Grateful for all the blessings. Grateful for all the feelings. Grateful for all the battles whether it was lost or win. Grateful for all the life learning. Overwhelmed by all the feelings, experiences, and journey that I have enjoyed until right now.
Now i see, life is a process to be 'becoming'.
Today, I’ve been spending my quarter life. Overall these 25 years were about learning. I learned how to overcome my circumstances, to discover myself more, to manage my own money, to be tough, to live my own life, to be independent (&interdependent), to be calm, to be a minimalist, to cook, yoga + meditation, journaling, oh… and also, I started to learn being in (& out) relationship, anddd now I’m in the process to be committed with someone. In learning, I began to know and understand myself better. I figured out my real personality (I’m a 90% wallflower, a turbulent architect, perfectionist, and taurean), and day by day I began to know what’s best for me, and what I want to achieve-and-leave behind.
We are all molded by our experience in life, I'm half relieved to know that during these journeys I've been through dreary and lost experience. Sometimes my life, yes there are some fucked up moments, so damn fucked up, and sometimes makes me want to give up, and in a scary word, die. Much time, I have to deal with my tantrum - an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration – I have to tame my scream, my burst tears, my dark side, fluctuate emotions, uncontrolled ego, aggressive act, lust, foolish love, uncontrollably panic, overdozed anxiety and fear. Like an animal, I didn’t use my common sense and just fed my hunger (ego), I failed to tame those dragons inside me. But after all I found that life is like yin and yang, dark-bright, negative-positive, black-white, is like a concept dualism – describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, interdependent, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. At the end despite of my dreary and lost, I realized it’s okay to be dreary and lost, in order to be clear and found.
In order to be clear and found, I found that let go (in Javanese: “legowo”) & move on, are the elements in the process to be clear and found. Let go of the past. Let go of the uncertainty, let go of the loved one, let go all the pain and hurt. Let go all the unanswered questions (after all, unanswered questions is the answer). I let my God, time, and universe to conspires in helping me to enlarge my heart for letting it go and moving on, to keep vigilant watch over my heart (that’s where life starts), to keep my eyes straight ahead (ignore all sideshow distractions). Watching my step, and making the road will stretch out smooth before me.
We often busy on keep thinking about how we can go back to the past instead of being reborn and happy looking to the new journey. So sometimes we need to ask to ourselves:
Which do I want? the pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?
I also discover that let go is also about accepting, accepting myself, accepting the situations. In accepting myself, I learned to forgive myself and forgive the past in order to live happier and healthier. Many times I failed accepting and forgiving myself, I let myself crying over myself :") and let bitterness and illness growing inside me. In the process of accepting and loving myself, I let myself to accept all the failures, pain, hurt and tried to recover myself by trusting time and trying to be mindful.
mind.ful.ness
noun
The quality or state of being conscious or aware of something
a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
I noticed, one of my remedy of overwhelmed feelings is journaling, I learned to spoil all my feelings (gratitude, sadness, happiness, fearness, excitement,anxiety, etc) into a words (re: write). Journaling help me to stay sane, accepting, admitting, reflecting all the things that might be gone better but not. But in parallel i realized it's okay to be not okay. There is still tomorrow. It gave me some space (room) for hope.
I also found that happiness is in me, in my mind, is inside out. You don't chase after your happiness, but you savor it. Be happy now. Feel good now. You just need to put your feet on the ground and see around you, enjoy all the scenes. Just be happy when you can, instead of saving it up for later. Because in life you can't control what will happen (from external), even if you do your best to prepare for your life, you can't even stop or control the rain from popping to the earth. All you just can control is in you, is in your mind :)
Talking about peace, which many people have been looking for...
In the journey on searching of peace of mind and soul, I found it is apparently simply just 1. Sit / rest comfortable, 2. Loosening my shoulders, 3. Relaxing my face, my jaw, my eyes, 4. Take a deep breathe, 5. Embracing the air and sound of my surroundings, 6. Sound mind, and 7. Thank to myself and God. Be kind to myself. I need to invite all the positive energy and connect deeply with myself.
I realized, practice and consistency is the key. But not only practice and consistency, also I make myself surrounded by people who will cheer me up and support me to achieve that. I'm aware that I have to be strong and stand on my feet, not dependent to someone. But, i'm also aware that we are just human, a social being, is a creature that interacts regularly with others and cooperates with others to achieve common goals.
Nobody truly knows what they are gaining if not doing that. Just keep going!
BECOMING
To be present. To embrace. To love harder. To work harder. To be mindful. To be happy. To be content. To be creative. To take picture more. To enjoy the life. To shop minimalist things. To be patient. To think. To write. To travel. To be brave. To eat good food. To dive deep ocean. To wake up. To learn more. To be quiet. To communicate better. To feel deeply. To ask for help and answer. To share. To be a blessing. To connect. To dream. To speak /talk less. To hear more. To be imperfect. To love myself harder. To be corrected. To accept. To reject. To eliminate. To protect.
To be BETTER.
<3 <3 <3
~Cheers to the unknown possibilities to come!~
Thankyou to quarantine moment, so finally I decided to create this blog :)
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